Important Information Regarding Amending the United States Constitution

If you are campaigning for public office or have a role as a political commentator, you may be tempted to promise your audience that you will work to somehow modify the United States Constitution. Since the Constitution is the supreme law of the land, after all, you may reason (correctly!) that changing it is one way to really affect seriously important changes in our country.

I have lately heard a lot of speculation and planning around the topic of changing our Constitution--by adding an Amendment, typically, or (less frequently) by somehow “revisiting” an existing Amendment to modify its text or meaning.

In order to assist you in your laudable quest to bend our Constitution more favorably towards your beliefs and the feelings of those people you would represent, I have designed a simple, scientific and fool-proof test to determine if such a modification is a practical approach to the problem you’re interested in confronting.

In order to prepare for this test, you should first:

• Consider the problem you seek to address in depth. Consider especially how the Constitution, as it currently exists, addresses or fails to address that problem.
• Contemplate both the text and meaning of the Amendment you are working on. Brainstorm plausible scenarios in which your Amendment would be relevant and think about what kind of an impact it would have. Don’t constrain your imaginings to just the legal ramifications of this would-be Amendment (as it might be interpreted in a Supreme Court decision, say) but also keep in mind that we, as Americans, tend to broadly permit the ideals within our Constitution to inform our national ethos. This is especially true of high-concept Amendments such as those in the Bill of Rights, which generally explicitly prohibit the government from taking certain actions.
• Perform some serious opposition research. Spend some time ingesting news or discussion related to the problem you seek to address--especially as generated by websites or interest groups that may not agree with your point of view. Opposing positions often provide the most valuable insights.

Now that you’ve prepared for this test, a more substantial draft of your proposed Amendment should be at the fore of your mind. Take a deep breath. You’re now ready to precisely evaluate the merits of this major change to our Constitution--how it would address our current difficulties...and how it will catapult you into political office and/or great fame.

The Test: Is it at all possible that many Americans would be opposed to your Amendment? In other words, is your proposition at all controversial?

If you answered “Yes” then I have great news that will save you both time and energy. There is a far simpler process for solving your problem--far, far simpler than attempting any sort of modifications to our Constitution. The first (and most essential!) step in this process is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

A lot of public figures throughout our history have talked about grand plans to amend the Constitution. This type of discussion tends to ratchet up around election seasons especially. So can you guess why this approach to legislative problem-solving--despite its wild and perennial popularity--has only actually and successfully been employed a handful of times? I’ll give you a hint, it’s YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON AND SHOULD DIE.

It is fantastically difficult to change the Constitution. This is by design. It is, yes indeed, the supreme law of the land, which some fairly reasonable people felt should be largely sheltered from the political winds of the day. If, in using my test to evaluate your Amendment, you thought something like “Well, the [minority party] in Congress will probably oppose it, even though they are pretty far in the minority right now...” or something more like “Hmmm, more than a dozen states won’t go for it, especially the really strong [your least favorite color] states...” then YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CHANCE OF AMENDING THE GODDAMN CONSTITUTION.

This is an essential point. Despite the apparent ease with which that strange little Amendment enacting the prohibition of liquor (or it’s subsequent and hasty “undo” Amendment) found its way into the fold, the Constitution is really quite resistant to change. And by telling people that you’re going to change the Constitution in some way that appeals to them YOU’RE A LYING FUCKING WEASEL and moreover YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING HOLE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Some final advice: remember to exercise caution when discussing modifications to the Constitution. Although most Americans (including, likely, those you are seeking to impress) are only dimly aware of the contents of that document (i.e., they have some notion that it "gives them rights" or a jumbled idea that it somehow enshrines their personal and deeply held beliefs and prejudices), others may be more knowledgeable. Any of these latter may possess an emotional attachment to the document, prompting him or her to respond quite negatively to your ideas (especially if your proposed Amendments are controversial). They may misinterpret your sincere and constructive attitude as glib disregard for the Constitution, or, perhaps, as disingenuous manipulation of those Americans in your audience who may not fully appreciate the difficulty of amending the US Constitution.

I hope you found this presentation to be as enjoyable as I have YOU VILE ASSHATS FUCK OFF AND DIE,
NFK