Top 10 Successes of the Bush Administration

Okay, I couldn't find 10. So I'm going to do the failures instead. Because it's funnier. And this is Unfair Friday.

Top 10 Failures of the Bush Administration

11. The 2000 Election. A lot of shenanigans if not outright fraud. And the indecisive result followed by the horrific decision of Bush v. Gore reminded us just how democratic our democracy really is. I know, I know...this all technically happened before the Bush administration, which is why I'm putting it up front as the 11th failure. Yes, it's completely unfair. Just like me.

10. The 2004 Election. The only good follow-up to a shenanigans-fraught election? More shenanigans! Forget about the fact that the voting machine industry was in the tank for the Bush administration (it was!) or the voter suppression or all the rest of it. These are all fine by me; I don't actually believe in democracy anyhow. This one's on the list for exactly one reason in approximately three words: Motherfucking Swiftboat Veterans.

9. No Happy Ending for Merkel. In just over 60 years we've gone from this to this. Progress in America always contains a big, fat nugget of stupid.

8. No Childrens Left Behind. Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning? I mean, you teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

7. Clear Skies Initiative. You'll remember this as the definitive proof that the Bush administration was tough on polluters and a friend to the environment. Don't read the text of the bill! You don't have to read what it actually says or anything--I mean, how can you oppose something called "Clear Skies"?

6. Mission Accomplished! Break out the flight suit! From the logic of Sun Tzu to the successes of Colin Powell and Daddy Bush, we know the right approach to war: Go in hard and get out fast. Which is exactly what Bush did.*

5. The Iraq....Everything. This war was well-justified. In fact, members of the Bush administration came out with new justifications for it all the time. Sometimes two in a sentence. How can something with so many justifications not be justified? And at long last we have unquestionable proof that Iraq was a huge supporter of al Qaeda: even after years of gloomy detention and/or torture, a lot of people still won't confess to the connection. This just shows what a huge, juicy secret it is.

4. Red Alert! Shields up! We have obtained some specific intelligence: an attack on a major American city may or may not be planned for today. If it does not happen today it may or may not happen at any time during the next month. Also, it may instead be an attack on a suburb or rural area. This potential attack may be enormously devastating. Or not. We urge you: Do not panic.

3. I Would Tap That Wire. From the lovable text of the PATRIOT Act to all that warrantless wiretapping, we know one thing for sure: intercepting phone sex sessions from Americans overseas is a fucking laugh riot and worth every taxpayer dollar. Besides, the most confusing thing about modern American life was all those civil liberties we didn't really need.

2. Operation: Let's Disappear Some Brown People. All brown people are Muslims and all Muslims are insane, suicidal, raving terrorists. Every American can agree with this.** So if we sweep up a bunch of them indiscriminately, hide them away in detention centers for years without trials or even charges, deny some of them sleep, sic dogs on them, force them to see or do things that are humiliating to them, bang them up against walls, periodically drown them, or if some of them just mysteriously disappear...it's all for the greater good: keeping Americans safe.***

1. September 11, 2001. It wasn't their fault. How unfair can I possibly be? It happened on their watch. They couldn't possibly have known about the attacks ahead of time. You know how these things are: your inbox gets full of stuff and you just don't have the time to read every little briefing. Besides, who knows if any of the intel they had available would have been enough to stop the attack? It happened on their watch. You know, I heard a rumor that Clinton had Osama bin Laden "in the crosshairs" but he blinked and missed the opportunity. He could have kept this from ever happening. It happened on their watch. A video of Bush staring at a room full of kids for 7 minutes, slowly realizing that elections have consequences and maybe he'd rather be coaching baseball. It happened on their watch. They didn't have the time or luxury to cooperate fully with the 9/11 Commission. They were fighting a War on Terror! And besides, all that stuff is looking backwards--we need to charge ahead, and getting a full accounting of what missteps may have taken place wouldn't help. Besides, what if some of what they found out turned out to be a little embarrassing? It would just slow them down at a time they needed to act fast. It happened on their watch. They didn't exploit the disaster for political gain. They didn't use 9/11 and fearmongering to win elections. They never used slogans like "A vote for so-and-so is a vote for 9/11", they never used campaign videos or billboard images that conflate 9/11 with their political opponents. But, in all unfairness, I would like to point out that although they may have done everything right before, during and after the attack...it did happen on their watch.

Others have done this more exhaustively elsewhere, sure. But I thought of just a shit-ton of them on my commute home today and figured it would be fun to talk about my most favoritist 10.

So, what are your favorite moments from the Bush administration?

History will vindicate me,
NFK

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*Do you really need any text in this footnote?

**Possible exceptions: Americans who are brown, Muslims and/or have brains.

***Safe from moral standing, respect from other nations, relations with the billion+ Muslims in the world, and, ultimately, safe from the end of the War on Terror. It keeps our soldiers safe from the prospect of running out of enemy combatants to fight. For the Americans who were detained, it keeps them safe from the pursuit of happiness, liberty and/or life.